Congratulations, your friend wants to be your surrogate; now what? First, let’s recognize how much courage and trust it takes to decide to use a surrogate. It’s not easy having your baby growing away from you. Thankfully you found someone you already have a connection with. Your friend’s kindness and generosity will be integral in helping you achieve your dream of starting or expanding your family.
So now you have your surrogate, but the real work begins on figuring out where to go from here. Here’s an outline of what you should consider doing next:
Be grateful to have your friend be your surrogate
Be grateful! Do your happy dance! Finding a surrogate is one of the most stressful parts of the process. Wait times to match through an agency can stretch up to 12-18 months, so you are definitely ahead of the pack. Having someone you know and trust also helps reduce some of the anxiety that comes with surrogacy. You don’t have to try to build a relationship from scratch. You are in a very fortunate position! Make sure that your surrogate also knows and feels how thankful you are.
Make sure she meets basic requirements
My best friend offered to be our surrogate, and it was a really sweet, selfless offer, but she had never been pregnant herself. Carrying an uncomplicated pregnancy to term is one of the basic requirements to be a surrogate. While we couldn’t move forward with her as our surrogate, she was a great cheerleader throughout our journey. Here are the basic requirements to be a surrogate
- Between ages 21-45
- BMI under 32
- Free of most medical conditions
- History of smooth, uncomplicated pregnancies
- No more than 3 c-sections
- No more than 5 births total
- No tobacco, recreational drug use, or alcohol abuse
- Financially stable
This blog post lists the rest of the requirements to be a great surrogate candidate. Hopefully your friend checks all the boxes.
Find out if she wants compensation
Most surrogates in the US receive various amounts of compensation. It’s not common to find someone willing to carry a pregnancy for no compensation at all, but it does happen. It’s called altruistic surrogacy, and friends and family members are more likely to carry for free! But not all will. Don’t assume that your friend doesn’t want or won’t accept money. Some friends take a significantly reduced base compensation, while others want the usual full amount. Talk to your friend about whether or not she wants payment and decide how much it should be.
See if she lives in a surrogate-friendly state
Thankfully most states allow for surrogacy, meaning you can get parental rights to your baby. So chances are your friend lives in one of these states. However, a couple states don’t allow it or make it really challenging. Then there are other states that make it difficult or don’t allow same-sex parents or those using donor egg/sperm without a legal battle. Since everyone’s situation is unique, look into the laws where your surrogate lives. The Surrogacy Law Map is a fantastic jumping off point.
Research the process so your friend can be your surrogate
You’re going to have to go through many steps from where you are now until you can finally hold your baby. Surrogacy has a lot of moving parts and layers of complexity. Doing things in the wrong order can cost you time and money. So dedicate some quality time to researching and understanding everything you can about the surrogacy process. Don’t forget to download your free surrogacy steps guide, which acts as your checklist.
Meet with your REI
Now that you know your friend meets basic requirements, you understand her compensation needs, you have looked into her state laws, and you understand the process, it’s time to meet with your fertility doctor. Each fertility office will have its own protocols for handling surrogacy, including medical criteria that surrogates have to meet. Be sure to ask for a list of their requirements. Your fertility doctor will also walk you through the IVF process to make your embryos to transfer to your surrogate.
Having your friend offer to be your surrogate is a big deal and can be a game changer for your family building dreams. In the coming months, you will have the opportunity to create a unique bond with your friend as you work together to bring new life into the world. Hopefully this list helps to guide you in the right direction of what to do next in your surrogacy journey.
