I came to surrogacy thinking surrogates were caring and compassionate souls interested in helping to make families. In my mind their primary motivation was selflessness and being deeply satisfied in knowing that they could help somebody else finally reach their dreams. The dreamer in me, who loves to see the good in people, still hopes that most surrogates feel this way. I hope most surrogates long to see the tears roll down their intended parent’s face when they meet their baby for the first time. However, the requests… well really surrogate expectations… that some now have are showing that they only care about their own experience.
Facebook groups can be soul sucking
If you’ve spent any time in the mixed surrogate – intended parent Facebook groups, you know what I’m talking about. These groups can really be frustrating.
A surrogate may say, “I’m thinking I want to have a doula, should I put that in my contract?” Then you see responses like
-You can pay for it with your allowance or comp
-I had a doula and I really liked it
-I wouldn’t birth without a doula
-Put anything you think you need in your contract
-My IPs paid for a doula and weekly prenatal massage
-Doula’s are really important, if your IPs say no you should break the match
Meanwhile, as an intended parent, your anxiety is creeping up. So now you have to find another $2000 to $3000 to pay for a doula, on top of the other expenses, otherwise you’re surrogate won’t feel cared for and might break the match. Wonderful. And then you see other socking expectations ranging from Ipads to meal delivery services to monthly gifts to Peloton. You sign out of Facebook feeling even more overwhelmed.
Agencies are encouraging unreasonable surrogate expectations
Agencies are businesses. To make money, they need to constantly attract surrogates so that intended parents will buy into their programs. But since there are fewer surrogates than intended parents, agencies have to compete amongst themselves. So agencies advertise an increasing number of extras that are only peripherally related to pregnancy.
“We automatically disburse $500 at gestational week 34 and another $300 at delivery to help your postpartum recovery, even if you choose not to spend it on housekeeping.”
says one agency
“This fee, paid by your intended parents, allows you to attend annual retreat events, at no cost to you. [We are] one of a few agencies to host these types of events, and pamper our surrogates through luxurious get-away weekends, spa days, etc.
says another
As they focus on how great of an experience a surrogate will have, these requests become accepted, normalized, and then standard expectations.
It’s not uncommon now to have agencies with wellness programs, pricey support groups, retreats and other perks.
The experience of intended parents is important too
The missing piece is that you, as the intended parent, have to foot the bill for all of these perks. You may have already fundraised or dug into savings to be able to afford your journey, and all of these add-ons make surrogacy a stretch. It’s can feel impossible to try to keep up with surrogate expectations. Obviously, a surrogate should be and feel well taken care of but it can be difficult to sacrifice and go without while your surrogate is being pampered on your dime. This journey should be a balanced pregnancy experience for you both.
Striking that balance can be difficult, especially as the focus of surrogacy increasingly centers around a surrogate’s pregnancy and birth experience. Remember that, even though it doesn’t always feel that way, you have a lot of power, and you can say no. You should say no if you feel like you’re being taken advantage of. As you’re researching options for surrogacy pay attention to agency packages and surrogate expectation wishlists and try to find a surrogate who is just as interested in your experience as she is in her own.
