I sat in a posh boardroom with cutouts from glossy magazine pages. A career women, smiling faces, a lovely house, a crib, a baby….
I sat in a posh boardroom with cutouts from glossy magazine pages. A career women, smiling faces, a lovely house, a crib, a baby….
Do you ever feel like you’ve been given ALL of the mountains to move? You sat down in a clinic in one of those…
I first found out I had fibroids when I was in medical school. At that time the pain was incredible. It was my alarm clock, starting exactly 3 days before my period. Sharp stabbing that would stretch up through my pelvis and snatch my breath. I would stand in place stuck by the waves of pain. I was managing okay but how would I see patients and function as a doctor in this condition? That’s when I sought help and started getting treatment for my fibroids. Even with medications and a myomectomy I suffered for much of the month. My life was dictated by what was going on in my uterus. My true freedom from fibroids came after my hysterectomy many years later. Looking at my time with and without fibroids it’s remarkable how my life has changed. By losing my fibroids I’ve gained a better life.
Fibroids for me meant heavy bleeding. A lot of heavy bleeding with large clots and rushes of blood. Many women think they have heavy periods and they may, but for most it isn’t near what I went through. I would need to double up on pads and tampons, take 2 medications to slow bleeding, but still need to change every 1-2 hours. When things were at the worst, I would bleed for 13 days out of the month. Every month.
Now without fibroids, I don’t bleed. I don’t bleed at all. It’s a simple statement but it means I’ve reclaimed 13 days where I’m not tied to the bathroom. 13 days where I’m not draining into pads and tampons. 13 days wondering when it will stop. Losing fibroids has helped me to reclaim these days.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood. It had become somewhat of a routine for me. Taking a little time out of my day to support someone’s health felt natural. In the sterile donation clinic the lady pricked my finger and we watched as the drop of dark red blood hit the beaker of clear fluid on the table that sat between us. This was some sort of test. I was eager to get past this step and on to my donation but then I got the results of the test.
I was anemic and they wouldn’t let me give blood. My anemia diagnosis was an early clue of my heavy bleeding and fibroids. But it would be several years before the fibroids were found. Nevertheless, my anemia worsened as my fibroid symptoms intensified.
Anemia siphoned my energy and took the bounce from my step. This wasn’t something I noticed at the time because my anemia progressed slowly as my blood levels lowered. Getting rid of fibroid for me means I am working with a full tank of gas. When I look back on how tired and drained I was versus my energy level and the spark I now have, it is a wonder I lived that way for so long.
As a resident training in OBGYN I would roll sleepily into the hospital and get dressed for the day. Scrub hat, scrubs, clogs, ID badge. Basically a standard issue uniform but for me I would store something else in my back pocket. Two pads and a tampon. When on my period I needed to change a pad and tampon every 2 hours or I would bleed through my clothes. Resident life is unpredictable. What if I was far from my locker at the 2 hour mark? What if I needed to slip out of the OR to change myself?
My pad changes had to be quick and seamless but still fit into my busy days. So I would literally keep them in my back pocket. I would spend the next 2 hours thinking about what I would be doing when it was time and what bathroom I could get to the easiest to change my pad. I would wonder if my pad had already leaked. It was a given that by 1 hour my tampon was already soaked through. Every time I would take off my surgical gown or stand up from a chair I would do an awkward “butt check” to make sure I was clean. Then I would excuse myself to “use the bathroom” and rush back to my duties.
Now I don’t have to expend so much mental energy on whether or not I packed enough pads, if I’m close enough to where they are stashed and if I’m about to bleed on my clothes. Since losing my fibroids I have less anxiety and less worry. It’s a much more mentally relaxed way of going through my day.
My uterus really took over my life and didn’t leave much opportunity for intimacy. At the worst time I was bleeding for about half of the month. When you add in the 3 days of pain leading up to my period, I spent more than half the month not feeling well. It is certainly difficult to feel sexy while hemorrhaging, messing up clothes or bleeding on to the bed.
The physical discomfort was one part but the mental piece was the other. Sexual intimacy has a huge psychological component. Even on my 2 non-bleeding weeks, it would be hard to get my mind there. The week before my period my mood would dampen. The anticipation of my period, all the bleeding, pad changes, planning out my schedule would start to set up in my mind.
Since my hysterectomy I don’t have these physical and mental barriers stopping intimacy. Our physical and emotional well being has improved as we’ve been able to connect better and more often.
Have you ever tried to pack a whole Costco sized set of pads into your suitcase? Surely I’m not the only one I can tell you that it is possible, but that pads take up a huge amount of space. I became a master of stuffing them into little cracks and crevasses of my bags. This means there were pads literally everywhere. Every bag, every suitcase, glove compartment, locker, jacket. I could not be without. They make great padding for fragile items by the way.
Bleeding so much and so often means that I definitely had a preference for style and brands of sanitary products. If I was going to be on my period on vacation or a trip I didn’t want to be further burdened with trying to find the right stuff at my destination. Pads, tampons, underwear and my photo ID were the only required items in my suitcase. Add a very minimalist wardrobe, there often wasn’t space for much else.
Now that I don’t need a full pack of my favorite pads and a large wad of tampons, I have more space in my suitcase. This may seem like a small win but for me it represented freedom and regaining the spaces in my life previously taken over by my fibroids.
As a gynecological surgeon I get to walk patients through their surgery journey. Most of my patients are dealing with the same problems of bleeding and pain from fibroids. Surgery is the way they’ve chosen to overcome their fibroids. The visit about 6 weeks after surgery is like graduation day. It’s the last time I will see many of them as they move forward with their new fibroid free lives.
One of my patients proudly exclaimed that she was looking forward to wearing white all summer long. My patient was gleefully awaiting her days of wearing white. Not having your fashion choices limited by your uterus is really freeing. My recognition of this was more subtle. On vacation, I was enjoying feeling the sun on my skin. I looked down at my white shorts and smiled. I was wearing white! White shorts can slip into my suitcase effortlessly now because periods are so far out of my mind. I’m so happy to have white shorts, dresses, pants and bed sheets!
Living fibroid free has been such a blessing. My days are happier and healthier. The worry and anxiety that heavy bleeding and pain brought is now gone. I have a brighter spark, more spontaneity with my clothing choices and activities. These 6 things I’ve gained by losing fibroids have served to enrich my life. If you are living with fibroids and wondering what it will be like after treatment, I hope this list gives you an idea. Life after fibroids is wonderful.
We are living through tough times. The current pandemic seems to be affecting everyone in different ways. Whether it’s those currently hospitalized and working…
After a week straight of call, I was looking forward to putting my phone on Do Not Disturb for 2 days. Two days of recharging and self care. This weekend was a bit different though. Today was time to refresh and renew my basic life support training. CPR, mouth to mouth on torso mannequins and back slapping choking infant mannequins.
I remember the first time I did this training. I was a fresh third year medical student just itching to start my clinical rotations. We stood in the classroom in front of our pale torso mannequins. The instructions were to push hard and fast at just the right point on chest. If you’re doing it properly the chest makes a click noise and a light on the shoulder shines to tell you that you’re rate is right. Position, depth and rate are all important. I placed my hands on the chest, ready to save this plastic doll. I push and I pushed again. No sound. I pushed harder until I heard the click and felt sharp pain through my belly.
Just a week prior I was the one on the table. I spent my week between the biggest board exam of my life and starting third year having and recovering from surgery. It was a 7 hour robotic myomectomy. Overall I felt okay and up to returning to school so quickly. But giving CPR is really physical and I was not ready. I tried my best to get the click and keep the light on but it was tough. I wanted to start taking care of patients just like I had been taking care of.
Today I was able to perform all of my exercises without pain or soreness. I know I had a silly grin on my face the whole class. It’s difficult to think about where I started and what I’ve lived through and not smile. My providers used their BLS, ACLS, MD, DO, FACOG, FASA, other acronyms and training to keep me here on earth. I’ve been given a second chance at life and I’m paying it forward. While I hope not to need to use these skills any time soon, I’m proud to have the knowledge to help someone through a scary time.
Infertile Obgyn
Coworker: I just saw a patient complaining of discharge, it was a retained tampon! How do you put a tampon in and forget it?
Me:…
Laying nauseous on the bathroom floor, weak and immobilized with pain I couldn’t deal with it any more. I was told that “all women…
We are mothers who didn’t get to change a diaper. Who didn’t get to spend enough time.Who only held our baby for a short…
Everywhere you look, you see pregnant women. Reminders of what you are praying for but haven’t yet achieved. It makes you anxious. It makes you sad.
The Surrogacy Blueprint