Surrogacy insurance is one of those important yet confusing items. You know that you need it and should use it but figuring out the…
Follow us as we learn and journey through surrogacy to build our family.
Surrogacy insurance is one of those important yet confusing items. You know that you need it and should use it but figuring out the…
Are you less deserving of a surrogate because you didn’t experience loss and tragedy? Many people indeed turn to surrogacy after years of failed fertility and IVF cycles. They may have experienced miscarriage after miscarriage, and having someone else carry their pregnancy seems to be the only viable option. Other intended parents could become pregnant easily, but their pregnancy ended in tragedy. Personally, I came to surrogacy following loss and tragedy. I suffered a uterine rupture when I was 22 weeks pregnant, and unfortunately, our daughter was too little to save. These heart-wrenching stories are familiar to many in our community, but they are not the only reasons to turn to surrogacy.
People come to surrogacy for a variety of reasons. Everyone’s situation is unique to their story and life situation, but here are some examples of other reasons people may choose to use a surrogate.
Someone in my support group has type 1 diabetes, and while she can become pregnant, her doctors said it would be safer to do surrogacy than carry her own pregnancy.
Similarly, some women need to take medications that aren’t safe during pregnancy. If they stop treatment for pregnancy, it will risk their health getting worse.
A long-time friend of mine has always wanted to be a dad. As a single guy, he is turning to surrogacy to fulfill his dream.
Many women come to surrogacy after hysterectomy for cancer treatment or other medical concerns like fibroids. Other women are born without a uterus (MRKH syndrome)
The short answer is “yes.” Just like how intended parents turn to surrogacy for many different reasons, there are several reasons why surrogates feel called to help. Some surrogates strongly desire to help a family that has faced loss and fertility struggles. You may even encounter a surrogate that used IVF or artificial insemination to have her own children! Others come to surrogacy specifically to support LGBTQ family building. Some surrogates have close friends or family who have struggled with cancer or serious medical conditions, and similar stories move them. At the core, surrogates want to help complete a family. There is a surrogate and intended parent match for everyone.
You are not less deserving of a surrogate because you have not faced loss. Surrogacy isn’t only about stories of loss and infertility. Intended parents come to surrogacy to fulfill their dreams of building or expanding their families. While intended parents all have a chapter on surrogacy in their life stories, the preceding pages are very different.
Surrogacy can be a family affair. Many women have carried pregnancies for their sister, cousin, aunt, niece, brother, and even children. If you have a family member or close friend offer to be your surrogate, you are very fortunate. You have the opportunity to grow even closer by sharing this special bond, and your family story will be so meaningful. Having your sister as a surrogate means you have someone you already trust carrying your baby, and it also opens you up to some key cost savings.
Surrogacy is expensive, and it isn’t getting any cheaper. The average surrogacy journey will cost $80,000 – $120,000. Many fees and expenses go into this price tag, and depending on your unique situation, your journey can be below or even above this amount. Assuming she will not be compensated or require customary fees, your sister being your surrogate, will keep costs on the lower end. Compensation is about 25-30% of the cost of surrogacy, and this is what you save by using a family member. Here is an example using the Surrogacy Journey Cost Calculator.
The average journey cost is 114,500.00 for a first-time surrogate and using an agency.
Bringing the gestational carrier expenses to zero already brings total journey costs below $80,000. Keep in mind if you choose to use an agency, many will discount their fees since you aren’t using their matching service.
Now, if you go a step further and decide not to use an agency, your journey would be $59,500.00.
Wow, this means it will cost roughly $60,000 – $80,000 with your sister as a surrogate! As you can see, having a friend or family member act as your surrogate is a game changer in making surrogacy more affordable.
Let’s do a bonus one. You may even be super fortunate to find that your sister has surrogate-friendly insurance. In that situation, you’re only paying for what insurance doesn’t cover; let’s estimate $5000. And now your journey cost is $39,500.00
These examples are rough estimates since many factors influence these numbers, like if you have to do more than one embryo transfer. If you’re looking for a full breakdown of surrogacy expenses, check out the free Ultimate Cost Guide To Surrogacy.
The two week wait is the time after an embryo transfer (or IUI / artificial insemination). You took all those shots like a champion and had all the ultrasounds. You went to the fertility office, and amid anticipation and excitement, you entered the procedure room. Then you left the fertility office knowing that your little embryo was in place.
But now, it will be over a week to see if this embryo took. While, depending on your doctor, it could just be nine days, you may have to wait a full two weeks to find out if this embryo stuck its landing. This wait can be nerve-racking and fill your mind with questions. You may be tempted to test early at home, especially when every little twinge makes you think of pregnancy symptoms. On the other hand, symptoms, or lack of symptoms, may have you thinking it didn’t work.
If this is an anxious time, you may benefit from encouraging words. Indeed, with my fertility treatments, I needed to settle my mind. Check out these 14 inspirational quotes to help you make it through your two week wait.
Being in the two week wait can raise some fears. Will this work? Will I have another miscarriage? Is this a waste of time and money? These fears are real, and these questions are legitimate. But courage is stepping out, having another embryo transfer or insemination despite those fears. Courage is understanding the anxiety, acknowledging and working through it without being consumed. Therefore be the master of your fears, don’t let them master you.
Let your desire be the energy spark that moves you forward and keeps you going. You dare to try and venture into uncertainty because of the pull of your heart. Listen to it. This pull, this desire, is the compass pointing you to your goal.
Self-love is essential and does not need to be justified. How are you taking care of yourself during this phase? Taking time to slow down, pamper yourself, feed your mind, explore your creativity, and fellowship with friends all lighten your mind and help you to feel happier. Do you feel the need to explain why you do what makes you light and joyful?
How are you feeling today? What are your thoughts about your fertility journey? Maybe you are focused on the what-ifs, googling IVF research studies, or messaging your REI on if the twinge you felt is a sign of pregnancy or a miscarriage. Maybe you’re comparing this time to last time and are reliving the pain or grief from the previous cycle. The past has already happened, so breathe, recognize the emotions and let them drift past. Don’t cling to them. The future isn’t here yet, and its chapters are unwritten. Now is what’s important, focus on your current state and enjoy this moment.
Do you know the saying about how one door closes, another door opens? When you’re on a fertility journey, the possibility of pregnancy the old-fashioned way may have closed. But it would be best if you shut some other doors yourself. It would help if you muted unsupportive relationships, self-doubt, shame, and constant thoughts about past cycles. Focus on the path you are on now and the possibilities in front of you.
Sometimes we put on a happy face and mask what’s happening inside. We curate an image on social media or the outside world that our lives are perfect and everything is okay. But what are we saying to ourselves? Is that little inner voice sharing encouraging words of positivity, softness, and understanding? Take a moment today to check your thoughts and reframe your internal messaging.
Sometimes, giving up seems like the right option when things don’t work out on the first try. This feeling can even become overwhelming. But if you hear a little voice saying, “what if I try once more,” you may want to listen. Often time persistence and tenacity pay off. Trying again, choosing a different path, or doing something different could all take you to your win.
Infertility is a heavy diagnosis to carry. It can be all-consuming and affect your life in ways you never wanted. But it’s important to remember that you are more than your infertility. More than fibroids, endometriosis, cancer, PCOS… You are more than your ability to reproduce. As you continue on your fertility journey, don’t lose sight of who you really are. And, of course, celebrate your true self.
There is so much we don’t have control over in a fertility cycle. How many eggs will fertilize? When is the trigger shot? Will the embryo transfer take this time? It can make anxious thoughts run wild. But there’s a way to settle your mind and feel more comfortable in an uncertain time. Regular, intentional self-care is your key. Make sure to double up on your self-care during your two week wait.
The two week wait is emotionally charged. A rush of feelings from excitement to worry seems to dance together. You will naturally have questions about whether or not it will work this time or what will happen next. But while you can’t know the outcome for sure, you can be comforted by knowing the strength you have in yourself. No matter what happens, you will make it through.
Being brave and taking a chance on this cycle takes profound courage. You’ve taken the medications, done the shots, had the ultrasound, and scheduled time off work. And you did this all for a maybe. You are brave. As you move through the days of your two week wait continue to dare greatly.
The two week wait is a period of uncertainty and wonder. Sometimes that wonder turns to worry. Will this embryo stick? Am I finally going to be pregnant? What if it’s another miscarriage? But worrying doesn’t seem to help. In fact, it can even spiral into more anxious thoughts. Remember, if there’s a solution to your fertility challenges, you don’t need to worry.
This is an important message to receive during your two week wait. You are at this point because you desire to add to your family. But happiness should not be tied to whether or not you can have a child. Therefore, make sure to find happiness within yourself and with what you have currently. No matter the outcome, you will be okay.
Take life day by day, including each day of these two weeks. You don’t know for sure what the outcome of this cycle will be, and you can’t control what will happen. But for now, you are pregnant until proven otherwise. Let the early days of your pregnancy be filled with hope and possibility.
One of the best sayings in the fertility world represents the two week wait and this quote so well, PUPO – pregnant until proven otherwise. You don’t know what the outcome of this cycle will be. It could be the baby you’ve been waiting for, or it may lead you straight into another try. We just don’t know. But that means that anything is possible. And as far as we know, you are pregnant right now. These may be the very first days of your pregnancy and rainbow baby. Wow! Enjoy this time.
Independent surrogacy is when an agency is not involved in the process. It is sometimes called “private surrogacy,” but within the community, we use the term “Independent” and shorten it to “Indy”.
If you think of an agency like a wedding planner or a general contractor, going independent would be organizing a wedding or remodeling your house by working directly with the vendors. It’s a much more hands-on process with the main trade-off of cost savings. Beyond the price tag, there are other reasons people choose to forgo agencies.
The main problem with surrogacy agencies is that they are not regulated. Agencies are not held to a set of basic standards or guidelines, so their quality, and your experience with them, can vary widely from agency to agency. A new agency, run by someone with little experience, can pop up, and once you sign their contract and pay the hefty fee, you are stuck with them. A great agency, however, can be beneficial and offer outstanding support. If you choose to use an agency, make sure you pick an excellent one.
Here is why surrogacy agencies can be problematic:
Agencies can tack on unnecessary services, which are expensive for intended parents and not always helpful for surrogates. For example, an agency may require prepaid monthly therapy sessions conducted by an in-house counselor or online surrogate support groups. Intended parents will have to pay for these services even if their surrogate doesn’t use them.
An agency can help with booking appointments at the monitoring REI center, OBGYN office; they can also find flights, reserve hotels, and book a rental car for a surrogate. While these tasks are helpful, certainly you have scheduled doctors’ appointments and made your own travel arrangements. Surrogacy adds a bit more complexity, but most shouldn’t be able to handle these tasks independently.
Adding an intermediary in a relationship can break the chain of communication. An agency’s job is to help with communication, especially for difficult conversations and awkward topics. But think of the broken telephone game. Sometimes adding a step leads to misunderstanding, and it can be quicker to communicate directly.
As a surrogate, an agency can restrict who you can work with once you sign-up. After signing, even if you realize you no longer like the agency, you may be contracted to stick with them and not change to a different agency for 6-12 months. You can be obligated to an agency even after a successful journey. Your contract may state that if you are doing a sibling journey, you must stay with the agency. If an agency offers such an excellent service, they shouldn’t need to use gold handcuffs.
The two main reasons to sign with an agency are to assist with matching and ongoing support. Some agencies really miss that second part and leave you as a surrogate or intended parent to fend for yourselves. These agencies provide little guidance or have poor communication after the match. So basically, you would have signed with an agency, but you have to go through the process on your own.
Surrogates and intended parents must align on their matching points to have a smooth journey. Some agencies may try to convince you to change your stance on pregnancy termination/abortion, the number of embryos to transfer, vaccination, etc. An agency shouldn’t pressure you into changing important convictions for the sack of a match.
Surrogacy and agencies seem to go hand in hand, but agencies can be problematic. Agencies are not regulated, so you aren’t guaranteed a good experience even after paying $10,000 – $30,000+ in agency fees. Some agencies are financially predatory to intended parents and pressure surrogates about matching points. Independent journeys can be the answer to avoiding these agency practices.
Surrogacy is complicated, and getting good information about how to work through the steps is hard. Your fertility doctor no doubt recommended that you contact a surrogacy agency. But agencies aren’t created equal, with some being lackluster, some prey on desperate intended parents, and a few have even been caught running scams.
Once you pay an agency, it can be challenging to get that money back. Therefore it’s crucial to make sure you choose one of the excellent surrogacy agencies.
A surrogacy agency is similar to a wedding planner. They will help you plan everything down to the fine details, put you in touch with other professionals (vendors), make helpful suggestions, mediate when emotions run high, and coordinate so that the process runs smoothly. Agencies will help you with everything from matching with a surrogate to delivery of your baby and maybe even beyond.
Did you know you don’t need an agency to have a successful surrogacy journey? Many intended parents will curate their own journey, following the same steps as an agency in what is called an “independent” journey.
For those looking for some support but do not need a complete agency experience, surrogacy consultants can help with matching or support along the way. Some agencies offer matching services only and let you work through the rest of the process together with your surrogate. Still, other agencies can come in after you’ve matched with a surrogate and help you to work through the steps, similar to a day-of wedding coordinator.
An excellent agency should be professional, ethical, communicative, knowledgeable about surrogacy, pregnancy, and IVF, and support intended parents and surrogates. Agencies are essentially project managers who take care of all the tasks on the to-do list so you can focus on the relationship with your surrogate and on welcoming your baby.
I completed my surrogacy journey without an agency, but I still recognize the value agencies can offer. In fact, we tried to sign up with a few agencies, but the ones we were interested in had long matching times or paused taking on new clients due to the pandemic. When we finally found a couple of agencies we loved, we met an independent surrogate and continued with her.
Having gone through the work of a journey independently, hearing about both steller and terrible agencies, and understanding the price tag and emotions at stake, I have a lot of opinions on how agencies should operate. If you were to ask me what you should look for in a great agency, here is what I would say.
There have been cases of agencies using funds for their own purposes, leaving both intended parents and gestational carriers without their money. A separate, independent entity (unrelated to the agency) should hold the funds for protection and peace of mind.
Similarly, an agency shouldn’t require you to use their in-house legal counsel. Will in-house attorneys be looking out for you or the agency? A great agency will provide you with some options for attorneys. You should be free to find your own attorney who will represent your interest.
Great reviews are telling. An agency that is providing outstanding service with a mound of happy clients should have an easy time finding ones willing to speak with you and share their thoughts.
The agency’s job includes pre-screening surrogates and finding top candidates. If that surrogate is not accepted by your REI or backs out of the process before embryo transfer, then maybe the pre-screen missed a red flag. A good agency will rematch you for free or at a significantly reduced cost, and you certainly shouldn’t have to pay the full agency fee again.
Matching times are primarily a factor of surrogate supply and Intended Parent demand, but agency practices also play a role. If an agency has collected way more Intended Parents than the number of surrogates they can recruit, the wait times will start to creep up.
To prevent this, great agencies don’t continually collect fees from new Intended Parents, tying them financially to the agency and having them wait seemingly indefinitely. A great agency will cap the number of intended parents waiting and focus on matching the ones already in their program. Ask about the length of waitlists before signing up for an agency.
A thorough surrogate pre-screen should include criminal and financial background checks, home visits, psychological evaluation, OBGYN pregnancy clearance, and medical records review. An excellent agency would have medical records reviewed by an OBGYN physician- general OBGYN, REI, or MFM. An adequately pre-screened candidate is more likely to pass your REI’s medical screening and follow through with being a surrogate.
One of the most critical roles of an agency is matching. An agency should be able to match Intended Parents and Surrogates based on their shared values, complementary personalities, expectations for the journey, and logistics, such as location. Agencies shouldn’t ask Intended Parents or surrogates to compromise on essential matching points like the number of embryos to transfer, willingness to terminate a pregnancy, amount of communication, or vaccinations.
Some insurance policies will not pay for surrogacy-related medical expenses. A surrogate’s existing policy must be reviewed to ensure it can be used. If not, the intended parents need to buy a new surrogacy-friendly insurance plan. Medical insurance review should happen before matching so intended parents don’t fall in love with a surrogate only to have a surprise expense.
With timely insurance review, the agency should help find an in-network Obgyn or midwife who delivers and your preferred hospital. Alternatively, they should refer you to an insurance professional who can assist with this.
Surrogacy requires moving parts to be put in place at specific times to avoid delays. These include medical appointments, medication orders, travel arrangements, hospital tours, and parentage orders. A great agency will coordinate with the fertility and OBGYN offices, call pharmacies, search for travel options, reserve rental cars, etc. and keep you informed of all dates and times. As intended parents, the steps should flow seamlessly.
The agency should reach out to your surrogate’s OBGYN to inform and help organize the surrogacy pregnancy. The organization includes:
The agency should ensure that you are informed, included in the pregnancy, and treated as the parents throughout your journey.
Surrogacy is beautiful, but sometimes the relationship can have road bumps and strain. A great agency is a neutral mediator that can listen and help to smooth the wrinkles. Agencies should also help to communicate challenging things, like if your surrogate has difficulty telling you about a miscarriage. Agencies can also help with awkward conversations, like money, that can harm the IP-GC relationship so everyone can focus on the baby and the journey.
Surrogacy is a team sport with psychologists, attorneys, escrow managers, insurance reviewers, and monitoring IVF centers. A great agency will be able to refer you to quality, reputable professionals and not companies with whom they have special deals or kickbacks.
An agency can be indispensable to a surrogacy journey, provided you pick a great one. When you speak with agencies, see how they stack up to this list. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and choose the best agency for your needs.
Surrogacy is the road less taken. Starting a surrogacy journey often feels like forging a new path in the wilderness. Most likely, you’ve never met anyone who has become a parent through surrogacy. It can feel isolating when friends and family just don’t get it. Surrogacy is a whole new experience for you, but others have done this before. Hearing stories and experiences from former intended parents can give you hope and be your guide. I’ve put together a great list of intended parent surrogacy blogs to dive into.
2019-Current
Doctors can face down infertility too. This OBGYN and minimally invasive surgeon focuses on fibroid and fertility-preserving surgeries in her professional life. Personally, she experienced seven years of infertility, miscarriage, second trimester loss, all before turning to surrogacy. Read about her journey and how she is helping other women take back their lives.
2017-2018
This blog follows a couple in Canada searching for a gestational carrier to have their first child. They speak about male factor infertility, frustrations over the process, matching with a gestational carrier, and taking a break from a fertility journey.
2015-2017
Chrissy and Lee share their surrogacy story following an MRKH diagnosis. The blog covers receiving a Family Building Grant, searching for a gestational carrier, and curating an independent surrogacy journey on the way to having their son in 2015. Their website also includes a separate parenting blog and great information on inducing lactation and how she breastfeed her son for two years!
2017-2020
Tory and her husband pursued surrogacy following complications of pre-eclampsia and hyperemesis gravidarum with her pregnancies. She writes about moving to surrogacy to have her second child. She touches on matching through Facebook, highlighting her gestational carrier, their journey together, and life after surrogacy.
2016-current
Jake and Elisa use their family blog to document not one but two Canadian surrogacy journeys. They welcomed their son in 2017 and their daughter in 2019. Elisa speaks very openly about the grief of infertility and the trepidation and anxiety that continues throughout a surrogacy pregnancy. Their blog also goes into matching, induced lactation, and donor milk.
2020-current
Tiffany captures her and her husband’s traditional surrogacy journey to grow from a family of four to five. She writes about the emotions and experiences of having another woman carrying her baby. She documents independent matching, contracts, home insemination, and what it’s like to wear a pregnancy belly.
Note: Traditional surrogacy has unique risks. For safety and security, a knowledgeable attorney and insemination with a fertility clinic are highly recommended.
2013-current
The HelloBee community has a collection of blog posts centering on trying to conceive, pregnancy, and motherhood. They also have surrogacy stories authored by “Mrs Sea Otter” and “Mrs Starfish.”
Mrs Sea Otter writes about chronic medical conditions, a long fertility journey, failed surrogacy agency match, and a beautiful independent journey. Mrs Starfish has a story unique for twinblings; her daughters were born five weeks apart, one to the intended mother and one to the gestational carrier.
2012-2019
Candace and Chris really go deep on their long path to parenthood. They get personal about IVF, uterine cancer, hysterectomy, brain tumors, considering adoption, induced lactation, and the gestational surrogacy journeys for their amazing daughters. Their site is very extensive and has posts from both Chris and Candace sharing each of their perspectives.
2012-2018
Whitney became a fertility advocate through her journey to parenthood. She is known in the community for supporting lower-cost surrogacy, independent journeys, and creating a how-to guide. Her blog documents fertility treatments, recurrent pregnancy loss, and their twin pregnancy with a gestational carrier.
2014-2015
Jason and Kerri turn to surrogacy following unexplained infertility, IVF, multiple miscarriages, surgeries, experimental treatments, and failed adoption. While only spanning the 18 months around their surrogacy, these 52 posts go deep. We have timeless topics of nurturing a relationship with a gestational carrier, the emotional fragility of infertility, working through the screening checkboxes, and handling setbacks.
2014-2017
Mark and Teris share their surrogacy journey with the world. And this is a journey that brings them to India and back with a twist. One of the beauties of their blog is that they share the honest thoughts and deliberations we have when we hit roadblocks, setbacks, and forks in the road.
2018-current
Jay and his wife pursued surrogacy in Ukraine to welcome their twin boys. He documents his tales of spending weeks living in Ukraine, navigating the health and legal system, as well as medical complications following birth. Told from a male perspective, this blog shares a unique take on international surrogacy.
Note: They completed their Ukraine surrogacy journey before the 2022 war.
Our community loves reading about the experience of others who have completed surrogacy journeys. Let’s hear from you! If you have a blog from the perspective of an intended parent or if you have a great one you’ve been following, send me a message so it can be included here.
You’re planning on using a surrogate to grow your dream family. Congratulations! Searching for a surrogate is a big deal and moves you closer to the baby of your dreams. Every surrogacy journey needs a surrogate, but are you truly ready to start looking for one?
Most surrogates are generally eager to begin the process; if they realize you are unprepared, they will look for a better match. Unfortunately, prematurely searching for a surrogate, and not fully understanding the process, could also leave you vulnerable to scammers. Scammers love to prey on those who don’t know the steps and how surrogacy should work. Let’s protect your heart and pocketbook from disappointment. Here are seven essential things to do before you start searching for a surrogate.
Your fertility doctor will tell you whether or not using a surrogate is a good option. Some people come into surrogacy communities thinking they need a surrogate but haven’t tried IVF, and IVF or another fertility option may be a better way forward than surrogacy.
To find out about your fertility, if you can become pregnant, and if surrogacy is right for you, meet with a fertility specialist. There are vital questions to ask to make the most of this consultation. If surrogacy is your pathway, your fertility doctor will discuss other important details with you, such as their surrogate requirements and if it’s reasonable to use your own eggs or sperm to make embryos.
There is no surrogacy journey without an embryo, of course! Making embryos is a crucial step, and it can look different for each person. You may be making embryos with your partner or with the help of an egg donor or sperm donor. Either way, this phase can take some time. Sometimes, unfortunately, you may need to do more than one egg retrieval to have viable embryos, even with a donor cycle. If you are doing genetic testing, that will add more time as you wait for results.
Many surrogates are eager to get going immediately and will not wait six months or a year for healthy embryos. Therefore it’s essential to have embryos ready to go for the quickest matching.
Research is critical before searching for a surrogate.
A single surrogacy journey can range from $25,000 to $200,000. That means, even on a perfect, altruistic (non-compensated) journey with a friend or family member, you will need to save at least $25,000.
Unfortunately, that price is for a unicorn journey. A typical journey is $80,000 – $120,000. Many variables at play make a journey more expensive, such as having to use an egg donor, and other variables are huge savers, such as not using an agency. The Ultimate Surrogacy Cost Guide will help to lay this out for you.
Once you understand the cost of surrogacy, head over to the interactive Surrogacy Journey Cost Calculator to play around with the numbers. Keep in mind that you will need to have access to your budgeted amount plus a cushion before starting your surrogacy journey.
Surrogacy agencies help to pair intended parents and surrogates. They also screen to ensure surrogates meet basic requirements. A great agency will conduct background checks, organize a psychological screening, make travel arrangements, and inform the hospital of the surrogacy delivery. Agencies can be vital in guiding and supporting both surrogates and intended parents throughout the journey.
As with all services, some agencies will exceed your expectations while others leave much to be desired. Agencies can be helpful, but did you know that you actually don’t need an agency to have a successful journey? A journey without an agency is called “independent” or “indy” for short. The surrogacy steps are the same if you go independently. It’s important that you feel confident and comfortable working through the steps. Your fertility office coordinator and your attorney will be your main guides.
There is a lot that we don’t have control of when it comes to surrogacy and pregnancy. We don’t know if an embryo transfer will take or how many tries will be needed. Even in the face of uncertainty, you should have an idea of your ideal timeline.
Are you ready to start your journey now?
Do you need an additional six months to save?
Are you comfortable waiting a year for a surrogate who just delivered a baby to be ready?
Potential surrogates will also want to know when you’re ready to start. They will put their lives on hold, delaying vacations and activities while pregnant with your baby. You’ll have an easier time matching if you are ready to start soon.
Surrogacy journeys work the best when everyone is on the same page. If you have ideas and expectations of your surrogate, you need to be upfront about these. It’s also a good idea to think about some scenarios ahead of time so you and your surrogate can be on the same page if you find yourself in one of these situations. Here are some personal requirements to think about:
If you read through this nodding your head and mentally checking each item off, you are probably ready to start your surrogate search. Good for you; welcome to the matching phase! If you aren’t quite ready, let this list be your guide. Continue to think about how you would like to cúrrate your journey, save, and organize yourself. Once you can check off everything on this list, you will be ready to search for a surrogate. Have the best journey!
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When we were finally expecting through our surrogate, it was a rush of excitement, and I wanted others to share this joy with us. But how does anyone know we’re having a baby without me telling them? I don’t have the growing belly and silhouette of a pregnant woman. When I’m at a baby store, I get more of the “Oh! you must be shopping for a friend” treatment and not the “Oh! you guys are having a baby” treatment.
I’m an intended mother, meaning I’m not the one carrying the baby. Therefore I like to use surrogacy affirming t-shirts to help start that conversation and highlight our pregnancy. They make people curious because who can resist reading a t-shirt? My surrogacy shirts also help me to open up and speak to people about my surrogacy and infertility journey. More than anything, I’ve found that these shirts have allowed me to stay connected to the pregnancy and do the activities and nesting that most expecting mothers do.
All of the surrogacy shirts that I’ve gotten have come from Etsy shops. I like supporting these small businesses, many of which were started by people who have faced infertility or gone through adoption. The shop owners really get it and understand the impact of their surrogacy shirts.
Really, you can wear your shirt anywhere you like. I first wore my “mama in the making shirt” for our embryo transfer. My husband also wore a “dad in the making” shirt while our surrogate wore one with “embryos on board.” We were able to take a lovely group photo together. It also satisfied the office staff’s curiosity as to why this random couple was at this other woman’s embryo transfer appointment!
I’ve also worn this shirt on a road trip to see my parents, walking around the city, to the breastfeeding center to get my breast pumps checked out, and then to our infant and child CPR class. For the CPR class, there were other ladies with their pregnant bellies and me with my surrogacy shirt.
We talk a lot about surrogacy here. These shirts are excellent for intended mothers and make very thoughtful gifts, but they are not just for surrogacy. Other soon-to-be mamas would also love these.
Adoption: Adoptive moms are also expecting a child. These shirts can help to build awareness and highlight adoption journeys.
Fertility care: Fertility care is a whole experience, and some of these shirts are great for women trying to conceive or undergoing fertility treatments.
Non-gestational: These shirts are also great for women whose wives or partners are pregnant (aka non-gestational parents); they’re about to be moms too!
One of the great things about working with small businesses is the ability to customize. If you see a shirt that says #adoptionlife or #surrogacy, you can contact the shop owner and see if they can switch up the wording for you.
I first saw this “Not showing, still glowing” surrogacy shirt before starting our surrogacy journey. It caught my eye instantly, and I just knew I needed to get one when we were expecting. Do you have that pregnancy glow, and you’re not even pregnant? I certainly did, and this shirt helped to highlight why I was beaming.
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A rainbow baby is your baby that comes after much struggle and loss. This misfortune could be miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or infertility. The storm that this creates in your life can be so heavy. But all storms come to an end. And even through the dark days, you can see some beauty - a rainbow with a prized pot of gold. This pot of gold, this treasure, is your rainbow baby. Highlight the rainbow baby for whom you have fought, hoped, and waited.
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“You don’t have to carry to be a mom.” How true is this? I love how inclusive the message of this shirt is. It really recognizes all women who have a positive, meaningful relationship in a child’s life. This could be a surrogacy shirt for an intended mother, a shirt for a mom through adoption, a grandmother, stepmother, aunt, or a foster mother. What a great way to celebrate family.
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There is a lot of hurry up and wait with surrogacy. First, it’s the push to make embryos, followed by waiting to match. Then you have the rush of getting your surrogate screened and then waiting for her period to come to start medications. But through this run - pause - walk - run cycle, you know that soon you will have a baby in your arms. And eventually, that soon will become very, very soon! Therefore celebrate your upcoming motherhood with your “soon” shirt.
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This is a more subtle shirt because it doesn’t scream pregnancy at first. But it does express how excited you are. A “no bump but so pumped” shirt leaves space for you to talk about what the bump is and the unique way you’re welcoming your baby. In the right situation, like a gender reveal party, it would be obvious what you’re talking about, and your friends and family will be excited for you. This shirt is great for intended moms but also intended dads, adoptive parents, and even a super excited auntie!
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This was the first surrogacy shirt I bought when I became an intended mother. The message of becoming a mom really resonated with me. You don’t become a mom all of a sudden overnight. Surrogacy is a whole process with steps and effort over time. For us, it took over two years from embryo creation to cradling our baby. Throughout this time, I was becoming a mother. For me, this shirt really gets that essence.
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Being an intended mother and not carrying your pregnancy means your little one isn’t growing inside you. This also means that you aren’t watching your belly grow each month. Yes, your baby isn’t developing within you, but that doesn’t mean your heart isn’t growing and swelling with joy, love, and anticipation. Therefore show off your joy-filled heart with this shirt. If you’re looking for a great matching shirt to wear with your surrogate, check out the “growing in my belly - growing in my heart” match-up.
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We’ve gone through 7 themes for surrogacy shirts for intended mothers. Whether you’re buying it for yourself or as a gift for a special woman in your life, one of these shirts will hit the mark. This could be a shirt that’s showier like the “Not showing, still glowing” shirt or the “No bump but still pumped” shirt. These can be great conversation starters, and you share your cheer with the world. Or maybe you’ll favor something more subtle with a small “soon” or “hope” rainbow shirt and sit with its quiet but powerful message. How you choose to highlight the joy of your surrogacy experience is part of your unique journey.
Many women enjoy being pregnant and would offer to carry for someone else. Yes, this is an essential prerequisite, but it isn’t enough to actually qualify as a surrogate. Not just anyone should be a surrogate. A surrogate must be medically fit, mentally ready, and legally able to be a gestational carrier. The requirements keep surrogates safe and give intended parents the best chance at having a baby.
People often wonder why a surrogate needs to have a child of her own, for example. Well, it’s like the saying, “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” The best way to know how a potential surrogate would handle pregnancy is to look at her past pregnancies. If she hasn’t gotten pregnant and carried to term, how do we know she can?
Intended parents (IPs) have a lot on the line and shouldn’t take risks. Often they come to surrogacy with a history of loss, and this loss could be multiple pregnancies or fertility in general. A surrogacy journey is time-consuming and pricey, even for IPs who have not faced losses. Embryos are precious, limited, created out of love, and deserve to be respected.
IPs want the best shot of bringing home a healthy baby. Surrogacy, therefore, is about maximizing chances for success and lowering risks as much as possible. While there are no guarantees, fertility specialists and IPs are looking for potential surrogates who are most likely to become pregnant, stay pregnant, and deliver a healthy baby.
Beyond a surrogate’s ability to carry a pregnancy, surrogacy must also be legal and ethical. In the United States, IPs can pay surrogates for their time and efforts, but this compensation should not be mistaken for financial coercion. Surrogates are expected to be adults, make their own informed decisions, and be financially stable.
Surrogacy is widely allowed throughout the US, but not it is not legal in every state. In unapproved states, surrogacy arrangements can lead to custody disputes and legal battles. It is advised to work only in surrogacy-friendly states.
Not just anyone can be a surrogate. Surrogates are a select bunch and should be the best chance to deliver a healthy baby. A great surrogate has to be able to check off the items on this list. Knowing these requirements is essential if you’re a potential surrogate or an intended parent selecting a surrogate. They will help to keep your journey medically and legally sound.
The Surrogacy Blueprint
