I sat in a posh boardroom with cutouts from glossy magazine pages. A career women, smiling faces, a lovely house, a crib, a baby….
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I sat in a posh boardroom with cutouts from glossy magazine pages. A career women, smiling faces, a lovely house, a crib, a baby….
When we talk to people about our surrogacy journey one of the questions that we get asked so often is if our surrogate was someone that we knew. We get this question both from people who are just curious and from people who are considering surrogacy themselves. To me this question always puzzles me, because of course I knew our surrogate! We texted, had video chats, and even went to doctors visits.
I think the question people are really wondering is, “did you know your surrogate before you started this whole amazing process”? It seems there are a lot of people who will have a sister or a best friend carry for them. This would have been an amazing option but it didn’t work out that way for us. Instead, we had to meet up with a surrogate in a different way. Meeting and selecting the surrogate that carries your baby is known as “matching”. There are 3 main types of ways to match with a surrogate. The first is a surrogate that you know from before the journey, the second is one met for the journey, and the third is one that never really met or got to. Let’s look deeper at each option.
A surrogate that you know before the journey would be one from your social circle. You would know her from even before you planned on using a surrogate. She could be your sister in law, cousin, friend from college, coworker or someone else that you know casually. This would be considered an independent match, or indy, because you didn’t meet through an agency (see more on this below).
Having a friend or family member carry is a great option because you already have a relationship. Maybe even a close relationship. Your baby’s origin story could be so rich with your family love that made their life possible. If you were hoping for an altruistic (surrogate not looking for compensation) or lower cost journey, having a friend or family member as a surrogate is your best bet. This can be super convenient, but managing family dynamics, expectations, and maintaining your pre-surrogacy relationship can be challenging.
We weren’t able to move forward with a friend or any of our family for various reasons. Some women offered but didn’t meet the strict criteria, others lived in countries outside of the US, and others didn’t offer and we didn’t feel comfortable with such a big ask.
Meeting someone for the first time for a surrogacy journey is kinda like moving in with your dorm roommate. You’re both excited for this new experience, you have some things in common, and fate has put you here in this place so to speak. You’re building a relationship from scratch to ride out the highs and lows of this year together.
You can meet a surrogate you didn’t know before through surrogacy agencies, consultant services, as well as some fertility offices and attorneys. These professionals do the hard work of advertising and recruiting potential surrogates. They make sure they are good candidates by educating them on the process, performing background checks, and completing initial screening.
The services will then work with you to help you to figure out your preference list and pair that with a potential surrogate’s needs and desires. If they don’t already have a great surrogate ready to go, they will start searching for one that is a good fit. So it’s kinda like a dating service because of the match making.
You don’t have to use an agency service to meet a surrogate even if you don’t already know someone who can carry for you. You can match with a surrogate all on your own. This is also called an independent match. Independent matches can be done in a few different ways.
One way is to call on your friend and family network again. If you don’t have someone in your immediate social circle, someone you know may know someone. Examples would be “your childhood friend’s sister who always dreamed of being a surrogate” or “your cousin’s old roommate who read your story and felt moved”. So even if you don’t personally know someone who can do this for you, it’s possible that she’s just a few degrees of separation away!
Other options are websites and Facebook groups where intended parents and surrogates can meet up and try to match. This is actually the path we took. We were open to both our extended friend network and to Facebook matching groups. We reached out to both at the same time and it turns out that our Facebook match panned out first.
A downside of independent matches is that you have to do a lot of leg work on your own. You may have to interview 10 potential surrogates to find the 1 that meets basic criteria and clicks with you. Working with an agency means they’ve done the heavy lifting and would be presenting you with the best options.
Is it possible to go through an entire surrogacy journey and never meet your surrogate? Yes. But this isn’t common. There are some circumstances where there isn’t much contact between surrogates and intended parents.
When I think about this scenario my mind immediately goes to international surrogacy and mainly the way it was done in the past. Now, thankfully, it seems that most places encourage intended parents and surrogates to at least meet, even if it’s through a translator.
I also think of high profile arrangements with celebrities where they may not meet due to privacy, confidentiality and safety. While not as high profile, some surrogates and intended parents alike may prefer a more distant business-like relationship. Usually most or all communication is through the agency or attorney. This is not the type of arrangement for anyone looking to build a friendship or to have a relationship after delivery.
You can probably see why the question, “is your surrogate someone you know” makes me pause every time. It’s so hard to think of a common reason why you wouldn’t know the woman who is carrying your baby. So yes, I absolutely know who she is, but I didn’t know her before all of this. We met in a Facebook group, matched and were in contact throughout our journey.
How will you meet your surrogate? Do you think she will come from your social circle, an agency, or maybe an online group like ours did? As you write the pages of your journey hopefully this post helps you understand the different ways of doing surrogacy. One of the beautiful parts of surrogacy is how everyone’s story is different.
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When we were finally expecting through our surrogate, it was a rush of excitement, and I wanted others to share this joy with us. But how does anyone know we’re having a baby without me telling them? I don’t have the growing belly and silhouette of a pregnant woman. When I’m at a baby store, I get more of the “Oh! you must be shopping for a friend” treatment and not the “Oh! you guys are having a baby” treatment.
I’m an intended mother, meaning I’m not the one carrying the baby. Therefore I like to use surrogacy affirming t-shirts to help start that conversation and highlight our pregnancy. They make people curious because who can resist reading a t-shirt? My surrogacy shirts also help me to open up and speak to people about my surrogacy and infertility journey. More than anything, I’ve found that these shirts have allowed me to stay connected to the pregnancy and do the activities and nesting that most expecting mothers do.
All of the surrogacy shirts that I’ve gotten have come from Etsy shops. I like supporting these small businesses, many of which were started by people who have faced infertility or gone through adoption. The shop owners really get it and understand the impact of their surrogacy shirts.
Really, you can wear your shirt anywhere you like. I first wore my “mama in the making shirt” for our embryo transfer. My husband also wore a “dad in the making” shirt while our surrogate wore one with “embryos on board.” We were able to take a lovely group photo together. It also satisfied the office staff’s curiosity as to why this random couple was at this other woman’s embryo transfer appointment!
I’ve also worn this shirt on a road trip to see my parents, walking around the city, to the breastfeeding center to get my breast pumps checked out, and then to our infant and child CPR class. For the CPR class, there were other ladies with their pregnant bellies and me with my surrogacy shirt.
We talk a lot about surrogacy here. These shirts are excellent for intended mothers and make very thoughtful gifts, but they are not just for surrogacy. Other soon-to-be mamas would also love these.
Adoption: Adoptive moms are also expecting a child. These shirts can help to build awareness and highlight adoption journeys.
Fertility care: Fertility care is a whole experience, and some of these shirts are great for women trying to conceive or undergoing fertility treatments.
Non-gestational: These shirts are also great for women whose wives or partners are pregnant (aka non-gestational parents); they’re about to be moms too!
One of the great things about working with small businesses is the ability to customize. If you see a shirt that says #adoptionlife or #surrogacy, you can contact the shop owner and see if they can switch up the wording for you.
I first saw this “Not showing, still glowing” surrogacy shirt before starting our surrogacy journey. It caught my eye instantly, and I just knew I needed to get one when we were expecting. Do you have that pregnancy glow, and you’re not even pregnant? I certainly did, and this shirt helped to highlight why I was beaming.
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A rainbow baby is your baby that comes after much struggle and loss. This misfortune could be miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or infertility. The storm that this creates in your life can be so heavy. But all storms come to an end. And even through the dark days, you can see some beauty - a rainbow with a prized pot of gold. This pot of gold, this treasure, is your rainbow baby. Highlight the rainbow baby for whom you have fought, hoped, and waited.
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“You don’t have to carry to be a mom.” How true is this? I love how inclusive the message of this shirt is. It really recognizes all women who have a positive, meaningful relationship in a child’s life. This could be a surrogacy shirt for an intended mother, a shirt for a mom through adoption, a grandmother, stepmother, aunt, or a foster mother. What a great way to celebrate family.
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There is a lot of hurry up and wait with surrogacy. First, it’s the push to make embryos, followed by waiting to match. Then you have the rush of getting your surrogate screened and then waiting for her period to come to start medications. But through this run - pause - walk - run cycle, you know that soon you will have a baby in your arms. And eventually, that soon will become very, very soon! Therefore celebrate your upcoming motherhood with your “soon” shirt.
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This is a more subtle shirt because it doesn’t scream pregnancy at first. But it does express how excited you are. A “no bump but so pumped” shirt leaves space for you to talk about what the bump is and the unique way you’re welcoming your baby. In the right situation, like a gender reveal party, it would be obvious what you’re talking about, and your friends and family will be excited for you. This shirt is great for intended moms but also intended dads, adoptive parents, and even a super excited auntie!
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This was the first surrogacy shirt I bought when I became an intended mother. The message of becoming a mom really resonated with me. You don’t become a mom all of a sudden overnight. Surrogacy is a whole process with steps and effort over time. For us, it took over two years from embryo creation to cradling our baby. Throughout this time, I was becoming a mother. For me, this shirt really gets that essence.
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Being an intended mother and not carrying your pregnancy means your little one isn’t growing inside you. This also means that you aren’t watching your belly grow each month. Yes, your baby isn’t developing within you, but that doesn’t mean your heart isn’t growing and swelling with joy, love, and anticipation. Therefore show off your joy-filled heart with this shirt. If you’re looking for a great matching shirt to wear with your surrogate, check out the “growing in my belly - growing in my heart” match-up.
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We’ve gone through 7 themes for surrogacy shirts for intended mothers. Whether you’re buying it for yourself or as a gift for a special woman in your life, one of these shirts will hit the mark. This could be a shirt that’s showier like the “Not showing, still glowing” shirt or the “No bump but still pumped” shirt. These can be great conversation starters, and you share your cheer with the world. Or maybe you’ll favor something more subtle with a small “soon” or “hope” rainbow shirt and sit with its quiet but powerful message. How you choose to highlight the joy of your surrogacy experience is part of your unique journey.
Many women enjoy being pregnant and would offer to carry for someone else. Yes, this is an essential prerequisite, but it isn’t enough to actually qualify as a surrogate. Not just anyone should be a surrogate. A surrogate must be medically fit, mentally ready, and legally able to be a gestational carrier. The requirements keep surrogates safe and give intended parents the best chance at having a baby.
People often wonder why a surrogate needs to have a child of her own, for example. Well, it’s like the saying, “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” The best way to know how a potential surrogate would handle pregnancy is to look at her past pregnancies. If she hasn’t gotten pregnant and carried to term, how do we know she can?
Intended parents (IPs) have a lot on the line and shouldn’t take risks. Often they come to surrogacy with a history of loss, and this loss could be multiple pregnancies or fertility in general. A surrogacy journey is time-consuming and pricey, even for IPs who have not faced losses. Embryos are precious, limited, created out of love, and deserve to be respected.
IPs want the best shot of bringing home a healthy baby. Surrogacy, therefore, is about maximizing chances for success and lowering risks as much as possible. While there are no guarantees, fertility specialists and IPs are looking for potential surrogates who are most likely to become pregnant, stay pregnant, and deliver a healthy baby.
Beyond a surrogate’s ability to carry a pregnancy, surrogacy must also be legal and ethical. In the United States, IPs can pay surrogates for their time and efforts, but this compensation should not be mistaken for financial coercion. Surrogates are expected to be adults, make their own informed decisions, and be financially stable.
Surrogacy is widely allowed throughout the US, but not it is not legal in every state. In unapproved states, surrogacy arrangements can lead to custody disputes and legal battles. It is advised to work only in surrogacy-friendly states.
Not just anyone can be a surrogate. Surrogates are a select bunch and should be the best chance to deliver a healthy baby. A great surrogate has to be able to check off the items on this list. Knowing these requirements is essential if you’re a potential surrogate or an intended parent selecting a surrogate. They will help to keep your journey medically and legally sound.
The financial burden of gestational surrogacy can make it out of reach for many interested in growing their families this way. There are several grants and financial assistance programs that can help with paying for general fertility services. These can be used to help with IVF and embryo creation, however not all extend to the other needs we have in the gestational surrogacy process. Here is a list of programs that can help specifically with the gestational surrogacy costs or accept male couples or single parents.
Cade Foundation
The Cade Foundation was founded by Drs. Jason and Camille Hammond who named the foundation after their mother who was their gestational carrier. She carried her grand-triplets and delivered at age 55! This non-profit provides grants up to $10,000 per family with recipients selected twice yearly. Recipients need to have documented infertility, so this wouldn’t be useful for people seeking surrogacy for other reasons.
Men Having Babies
Men Having Babies is a non-profit organization supporting gay male family building through education, advocacy, and resources. The Gay Parenting Assistance Program includes discounted and free services through over a hundred IVF, surrogacy, egg donation, pharmacy, escrow and legal service providers. The program also provides cash grants annually totaling over $1 million.
Baby Quest
BabyQuest Foundation is a non-profit that provides grants that can be used to offset the cost of IVF, gestational surrogacy, egg donation etc in the US. BabyQuest supports recipients who are same-sex and singles as well. While people with children can apply, they state that the process strongly favors first time parents. So far they have donated millions of dollars in grants and touched hundreds of lives. Grants are awarded twice yearly – in the spring and fall. You do not have to fundraise as part of this program.
Coalition for Family Building
This Coalition provides both financial assistance grants and IVF cycle grants. Their large variety of grants can be used for adoption, IVF, third party reproduction, cryopreservation, vasectomy reversal etc. They have funding for specific needs such as emergency IVF for people with cancer diagnosis and offer egg freezing for women with endometriosis or other medical conditions that threaten fertility. There are location restrictions for these grants, generally Illinois, Indiana, Missouri, Wisconsin or Iowa.
Deborah Frank Memorial Grant needs to be highlighted. It offers $100,000 for all services related to gestational surrogacy!
Family Formation Charitable Trust
The Family Foundation Charitable Trust is a non-profit created by The Academy of Adoption and Assisted Reproduction Attorneys. Grants range from $500 to $2000 and are awarded twice yearly. Grants support “all types of assisted reproduction services” including gestational and traditional surrogacy, as well as sperm/egg/embryo donation. In addition to usual expenses at fertility clinics, grants can also be applied to legal fees, agency fees, medication costs not covered by insurance. They also do not give preference to certain marital statuses or sexual orientation.
Gift of Parenthood
The Gift of Parenthood was founded in 2019 by Teresa Barbosa, inspired by her own 12 year fertility journey. This non-profit offers financial support and education for couples and individuals receiving fertility treatment. Single applicants and LGBT are also eligible to apply. Awards can be used for a variety of needs including IUI, IVF, sperm and egg donation, egg freezing and surrogacy. Awarded 4 times a year, grants range from $1000 to $15,000.
Journey To Parenthood
Journey To Parenthood was founded by Jennifer Conley (a mother through gestational surrogacy) and Colleen Brierley (A child and family law attorney and a mother of 5 including 3 through adoption). Grants are for up to $10,000 and are dispersed annually. Assisted reproduction treatments like surrogacy, and egg donation in addition to IVF are eligible.
Nest Egg Foundation
Nest Egg Foundation is a Connecticut based non-profit providing financial assistance grants for services at specific local fertility centers. Grants are for services related to IVF only, but this includes cryopreservation, embryo testing, cycle medication, egg or embryo donation and surrogacy. This program is for first time parents. Applicants need to have an infertility diagnosis unless applying as an individual or a same sex couple. Awards are up to $10,000.
Surrogacy is expensive, so having a good budget estimate and plan in place will make it more manageable. If you’re looking for financial assistance with your surrogacy journey, check out these organizations to see if you are eligible to apply.
Alyssa is a practicing OBGYN whose personal journey of family building has given her a greater understanding of loss, love, and living.
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The Surrogacy Blueprint
