If you have an upcoming meeting with a potential surrogate you may be wondering what surrogacy matching points you should discuss. This day may be a long time coming – waiting months to see your first surrogate profile or sifting through messages from people who clearly don’t qualify. Now you’re finally going to speak with someone who meets the basic qualifications to be a surrogate and the specifics from your fertility doctor. But those are just the first 2 hoops to jump through.
Messing up on the next step could lead to a broken match, legal issues, hard feelings, and a really rocky journey. Therefore you have to prepare for this third hoop – the matcing points.
What are surrogacy matching points?
Surrogacy matching points refer to the criteria that intended parents and surrogates consider when choosing each other for a surrogacy arrangement. These points can include factors such as
- surrogate’s medical history
- willingness to undergo certain medical procedures
- lifestyle
- family situation
- personal beliefs and values
- experience with surrogacy
- surrogate friendly insurance
- delivery setting
- compensation
- location
- special diets
A close or perfect match will generally be a good fit for you because of similar goals, expectations, and values for the surrogacy journey. There are many different things to consider, and every pairing brings different expectations to the table, so be open about what you want.
When are surrogacy matching points discussed?
Matching points are typically discussed during the initial screening and matching process. If you are working with an agency, they will interview you, determine your preference list, and then search for potential surrogates with a similar list. You can confirm your matching points during your match meeting and dig deeper.
If you are working independently, you may have a couple of conversations with a potential surrogate to discuss your expectations and non-negotiables.
Ultimately, surrogacy matching aims to create a positive and fulfilling surrogacy experience for all parties involved. Here are the 4 most critical matching points that every surrogacy pair should consider.
Are you planning on transferring 1 embryo at a time or 2 at a time? There is always a chance of a pregnancy leading to twins, but this chance is higher if you use 2 embryos at once. Those 2 embryos could even split, leading to triplets or quadruplets!
The trend has been increasingly moving to just transferring 1 embryo. Still, some intended parents have their hearts set on trying for twins, having a baby with each dad’s genetics, or in certain circumstances, a fertility doctor may recommend using 2 embryos.
If you are considering trying for twins you should talk to your fertility doctor about all of the risks involved. Remember that your surrogate also faces risks with a twin pregnancy and she should be free to decide what is best for her. While some surrogates are okay with a DET (double embryo transfer), most are not.
The big A – Abortion
Abortion seems to always be a hot button topic. You may not be comfortable talking about it, but you’re going to have to. Termination has many shades of grey for when and what would cause someone to have one. This article isn’t meant to stir an abortion debate or offend anyone but we can acknowledge that some would terminate a pregnancy for anything from lethal conditions, severe disorders, gender preference, divorce, life of the mother or never.
A famous surrogacy case made headlines when a pregnancy was found to have serious complications – complex heart condition, a brain cyst, intestinal issues, cleft palate, etc. The intended parents wanted to terminate out of compassion for the suffering their child would face. The surrogate, however, wanted to give the baby a chance. After a stalemate, she fled to Michigan, was awarded parental rights, and adopted the baby out.
This case, for many, underscores the importance of being aligned on your views of abortion. Don’t assume you wont be in this situation, be open and upfront about this matching point.
Match on vaccination views
There are a number of vaccines that your surrogate will be eligible for before and during pregnancy. The vaccines will vary based on recommendations from your fertility doctor and OBGYN but tend to include TDAP, influenza, and covid. Curiously, these immunizations that are given to promote health have increasingly been scrutinized and politicized.
Yes, I am not afraid to reveal my bias toward vaccinations. We obviously could not force our surrogate to have a vaccine, so it was important for us to find a surrogate who was also pro-vaccination. Vaccines are another shades of grey area – some will accept TDAP only, or TDAP + covid but not flu, and others will not take any vaccines. Think about your desires and find a surrogate who is compatible.
What will your relationship be like?
Have you ever sat anxiously with your phone in your hand willing a text from that special someone to pop up? Why haven’t they messaged you yet, what’s going on?!?!
Or maybe it’s the other way, you can’t get someone to stop texting and calling and just take a hint.
It’s similar with surrogacy. Neither you nor your surrogate wants to feel like they’re being bombarded with calls and messages when you have your own busy life activities. You also don’t want to be left in the dark or not have the connection you desire.
Surrogacy relationships can be really close, like besties, where you’re in contact throughout the day. You may even chat about things unrelated to the pregnancy. Other relationships are more business-like, with communication that is on topic and may only be once a week. What type of relationship and communication style do you want with your surrogate?
Surrogacy is a complex process that requires careful consideration and planning. Reflect on these 4 major surrogacy matching points before looking for a surrogate and be prepared for your next match meeting. By aligning expectations from the start, you can build trust and enjoy a positive and stress-free journey
